Several months ago, an internal storm of self doubt was brewing up within my soul when my eldest son, Kaleb, quieted the storm of questions welling up within.  Let me share with you a memory I cherish dearly.

One day I picked up my 6 year old son, Kaleb, from kindergarten. In his hands he had this big, bright and beautiful butterfly that he had spent several days working on at school. The colors he chose were magnificent. He used several shades of blue, purple, orange and green. I immediately knew it would be one of his many school projects I would save in a special box. While I was admiring this piece of art created by my son, he looked up at me and said, “Mom this is you. You’re a butterfly.”

I cannot begin to explain the impression those two sentences have made on my soul. They keep playing in my head over and over again, and every time I replay them, tears start to form in my eyes. His words to me were just as beautiful as the butterfly he made. They reached deep into my soul and stuck there. You see, I have struggled for so many years with my worth, my value and my identity. In a recent sermon, my pastor preached on this very topic and got me thinking once again on this very issue I struggle with on an ongoing basis. Who am I and what am I doing here?

In the past three years I lost my marriage, my home and almost lost my children while going through a very painful divorce. I had to move in with my parents and face the possibility of filing for bankruptcy. To say the least, the past few years have been difficult; I have felt lost and aimless. I had not been able to shake this sense of not belonging, of having no place to call my own. I ask myself what are my goals, my plans and my agenda? There are no answers. I feel directionless with no compass to guide my steps. Because I have no answers to these questions, I have been questioning my self-worth and my value. Negative thoughts haunt me telling me that I am not lovable, not important and my life is worthless.

Anyway, all these thoughts have been parading around upstairs in my head and making themselves comfortable to stay. I have prayed, I have cried and I have written page after page in my journal trying to release this cloud of depression. Nothing could shake it from me for good, and then my son, my beautiful son tells me, “Mom this is you. You’re a butterfly.” I could have fallen on my knees at that moment and wept tears of gratitude and love. Here was God speaking to me. Right here through this tiny little boy God spoke to me.

So when I begin to have thoughts of not being lovable or seeing my life as worthless and unimportant, I know He will bring to remembrance that moment when my son told me who I am. I am a butterfly. Thank you my son for reminding me who I am.

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A woman I know had taken these classes and raved about them and I have always really wanted to be ‘sexy’. What better way to learn? I also have been looking for a way to get into shape, have fun, and have a little time on my own. Given my recent vision loss (thanks to a post-partum retinal hemmorhage) and the perspective that has been thrust into my lap I figured I should give it a try.  Couldn’t hurt right?  And it might just be the fun and exercise and time alone I am looking for.  It turned out to be all three and more.

Of course a few days before the class was scheduled I came down with a nasty cold flu thing. In an attempt to knock out the virus I took massive amounts vitamin C- sadly I was unsuccessful and considered rescheduling the class. But my excitement took over and I was determined to make it.

It was an incredible work-out. Twenty minutes into the class my muscles were trembling- like they have not trembled in years.  But beyond that, there were so many unique things about this class and this experience that will bring me back for more.

As my friend and I were following the GPS directions to go to Tease Dance and Fitness, we discussed how nervous we both were.  We looked out the window trying to find the place,  not knowing what we were looking for or what to expect.  Well we found the place- with a huge sign reading “Pole Dancing”. We took a deep breath and went in. Inside we found a cozy looking sitting area with a comfy couch with beautiful pillows and brownie bites (clearly a woman was in charge). It was a warm and inviting space painted many shades of purple with a clearly feminine vibe. It was lovely. Suddenly we heard a ‘whoop’ from the room behind the door. My friend and I looked at each other uncertainly but the women there were kind and welcoming and very reassuring to those of us completely overwhelmed and very very out of our comfort-zone. We were invited to watch the advanced girls dance. And holy wow….did they dance!  Climbing, flipping, swinging… It was indescribable and very hot. These ladies were beautiful and confidant and amazing. I wanted that.

We had to fill out some initial paperwork- release of liability and such. Upon reading through the sheets, I noticed something. The studio wanted to know more than about my income and address. They asked emotionally oriented questions. What were my goals…physically, what did I want them to help me achieve? Emotionally, was I looking to gain confidence- self esteem- body image improvement? What brought me there?  Even more than that, they asked if we were having any challenging times that we needed support through. I have never been part of a ‘gym’ that openly and expressly cares for the whole woman like Kristen Hubbard (founder and owner) and her team do.  It gets better (seriously- I think I fell in love).  They have a ‘code of ethics’: no negativity- you are not supposed to exude negative crap there- AND learn to love and accept and cherish ourselves- and that starts from the words we say. The staff takes this very seriously- I will need to work on my positive thinking.

We entered the candlelit studio that had six poles and a wall of mirrors.  It was beautiful. We pulled out yoga mats and had a seat as Kristin and the co-instructor told a little about their mission and how this studio came to be. The more I heard, the more I loved.  She explained it is about connecting your physical and emotional selves through sensuality. The experience of things in the moment, taking the time to notice the nuances in life: the fabric on your skin or the scent of the candles. Touching your body and appreciating it for the amazing things it has done and continues to do. Embracing the power that is in you, physical and emotional. Understanding that your body will change but enjoying the journey and appreciating the path and where it leads you on your journey- not just the end point.  I learned that the ladies at this studio grow to care about and carry each other through rough times and cheer each other through good times. They are friends- it is not just a ‘gym’ in the sense of Ballys or X-Sport.

The class begins with meditation- not guided or visualization or imagery, more introspection. Finding a place of peace in your mind and body. Self exploration is a major part of the experience.  I felt so awkward as I looked up at the ceiling that was illuminated with lights that look like stars.   I closed my eyes and got lost in the movement. Listening to the instructor, letting my body connect to the flow of the music.  Letting go of my ‘center’ and having fun. Enjoying feeling my body stretch and feeling my muscles warm.  Feeling the strength and embracing my body for taking me all of these amazing places.

This is more than a class for getting in shape or learning some sexy moves.  It is a class in getting in touch with yourself as a woman. Embracing the sensual sexuality that is part of us. Learning to value and appreciate the strength that each of us has inside. Letting that beauty show and loving it.  Within the studio, I was not ‘mama’. I was me. I was the woman that I was- that I am- that all to often gets lost in the day to day life. I felt the woman inside- the confident, beautiful, amazing, sexy woman inside me- begin to make an appearance through self consciousness.  And yes it was fun too- especially spinning around the pole at the end.  So I signed up for more of this journey of introspection. Of exploration. I am excited to see where this path takes me.

To learn more about trying Tease for yourself, check out their website.   They just started an 8wk session on Feb 7th but they periodically host “Teaser” classes to let you try it before you commit to the full session.  Check out the schedule on their website for more details.  Also, be on the lookout for more info and a special giveaway from Tease Dance and Fitness and DupageMamas in the coming weeks.

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