Butterfly

Posted at 6:07 am on August 5, 2010 by Janelle Aldana

Have you ever questioned your identity, your self-worth or your value?  My guess is that most women have at one time or another.  I confess that in the past several years these questions have plagued me, as I faced some very real hardships in my life.  The trials, tribulations and tragedies we must face often stir up these very deeply rooted questions. They force us to take a hard look at ourselves and face the truth of who we are.

Several months ago, an internal storm of self doubt was brewing up within my soul when my eldest son, Kaleb, quieted the storm of questions welling up within.  Let me share with you a memory I cherish dearly.

One day I picked up my 6 year old son, Kaleb, from kindergarten. In his hands he had this big, bright and beautiful butterfly that he had spent several days working on at school. The colors he chose were magnificent. He used several shades of blue, purple, orange and green. I immediately knew it would be one of his many school projects I would save in a special box. While I was admiring this piece of art created by my son, he looked up at me and said, “Mom this is you. You’re a butterfly.”

I cannot begin to explain the impression those two sentences have made on my soul. They keep playing in my head over and over again, and every time I replay them, tears start to form in my eyes. His words to me were just as beautiful as the butterfly he made. They reached deep into my soul and stuck there. You see, I have struggled for so many years with my worth, my value and my identity. In a recent sermon, my pastor preached on this very topic and got me thinking once again on this very issue I struggle with on an ongoing basis. Who am I and what am I doing here?

In the past three years I lost my marriage, my home and almost lost my children while going through a very painful divorce. I had to move in with my parents and face the possibility of filing for bankruptcy. To say the least, the past few years have been difficult; I have felt lost and aimless. I had not been able to shake this sense of not belonging, of having no place to call my own. I ask myself what are my goals, my plans and my agenda? There are no answers. I feel directionless with no compass to guide my steps. Because I have no answers to these questions, I have been questioning my self-worth and my value. Negative thoughts haunt me telling me that I am not lovable, not important and my life is worthless.

Anyway, all these thoughts have been parading around upstairs in my head and making themselves comfortable to stay. I have prayed, I have cried and I have written page after page in my journal trying to release this cloud of depression. Nothing could shake it from me for good, and then my son, my beautiful son tells me, “Mom this is you. You’re a butterfly.” I could have fallen on my knees at that moment and wept tears of gratitude and love. Here was God speaking to me. Right here through this tiny little boy God spoke to me.

So when I begin to have thoughts of not being lovable or seeing my life as worthless and unimportant, I know He will bring to remembrance that moment when my son told me who I am. I am a butterfly. Thank you my son for reminding me who I am.

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