First Loves Tend to Stick

Posted at 8:39 am on March 8, 2010 by Farrah

I am Facebook friends with a couple of my ex-boyfriends.  Not that I had that many boyfriends before I met my husband, but I can now cyber-eves drop on the lives of the ones I did have and care to keep up with.  I actually just got a friend-request this weekend from my middle school crush.  He was a hot-shot basketball player and I was a very-shy basketball cheerleader.  I think our “romance” lasted a couple months, including two school dances, and then we both went our separate ways.  But my heart still jumped, just a bit, when I saw his name in my FB in-box even though it has been 20years since I last saw or talked to him.  I guess you could say he was one of my first loves.

Just recently, again through Facebook, I found out that my high-school boyfriend recently got into a serious relationship with some random girl that I don’t know.  Who cares, right?  He was somewhat of a loser even if he was adorable in that boy-next-door way.  His mom used to call me when we would break up for the umpteenth time and convince me to take him back.  He was my pastor’s son and the golden boy of our church but a bit socially awkward.  And I adored him for some un-known reason.   He took me to my prom but wouldn’t dance with me.  But then he came back to my house after and we stayed up late cuddling on the couch watching a movie and I was happy as a clam.  He was one of the first non-family people in my life that made me feel like I was on top of the world and someone special.  Well, it didn’t exactly work out with us for so many reasons.  I hadn’t seen him or talked to him since my sophomore year in college until we were reunited through Facebook.

Even though I would NEVER have wanted to be his wife (although there was certainly a time I thought I did), he was the first boy I ever truly loved and that tends to stick.  I have an amazing life now:  I have a husband who adores me (and whom I adore). I have given birth to three beautiful boys.  I have some of the truest friends God could ever have blessed me with.  And yet…  I still admittedly dream about this one guy.  I wonder what it would have been like to be with him, to make a life with him.   When I am walking through an airport, I sometimes think about how funny it would be if I were to run into him.  I have had dreams where we are together or connected to each other in some way.

I don’t love him anymore.  I haven’t in a long while.  But my heart was so deeply wrapped up in this boy for so long that the effects seem to still linger.   Even though I walked away, I think he still broke my heart.  I had such high hopes for us and placed so much of my teen-age identity in this relationship with this one boy.  And I certainly wouldn’t change the outcome or the path God has placed me on.  But it seems that my heart still carries a small sliver of love for this boy whom I so fully loved so long ago.  Maybe that is just how first love works.  Maybe that is why so many people seem to marry their high-school sweetheart.  That first love primes our heart for what it feels like to deeply care for someone other than ourselves or our family.  And even if we move on from there to love others and feel the wounds of love, there is something special and significant about that first time we learned to love.  At least that seems to be the case for me.

I am not sure what it says about me that I occasionally dream about this boy or look for him in crowded airports.  Am I the only one with this problem?  Or maybe it isn’t a problem at all.  It could just be a sign that my heart has a deep capacity for love.  There is more than enough room in there for my hubby and my boys to have my heart and for me to still remember the sweetness of that first love feeling.

What do you think?  Is this a sign that I never let go? Is my heart telling me that I am longing for a little more romance?  Or is it perfectly within the realm of normal to still feel some level of connection with someone who had your heart even if only for a short time?

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