All My Friends are Pregnant

Posted at 12:25 am on January 4, 2010 by Farrah

Everyone I know is pregnant. Really. OK, not really. But it feels that way. Between my real life friends and my bloggy friends and my facebook friends, I know at least 20 preggos right now. Maybe the lackluster economy is forcing people to stay home and find other forms of entertainment. (hehe!) And among my close friends who are not pregnant, one is done with kids for sure and one is in the process of adopting and I expect two of the others to announce pregnancies any day now. I know my friends and I are in this stage of life. This “reproduce like mad and grow your family before the eggs become too old or you become too old to chase the little people” stage. But, for me, it is a bit more complicated than that.

I have three boys, one who is in heaven. And while I really love the miracles of being pregnant, it doesn’t exactly agree with me. I get really sick at the beginning and then my platelets drop dangerously low causing all kinds of issues and drama. But still, everytime I hear that another someone I know is expecting, my heart drops just a little. I am happy for them. I am. But it brings up some really complex emotions in me that I am not completely sure what to do with. It seems so simple for them. Let’s have another kid. Why not? It is the answers to my “why not?” that keeps me from joining the ranks of the preggo.
For my husband and I, pregnancy is risky and stressful. Any future baby I may have has a 50% risk of the same congenital issues that my first son passed away from. But if that were the only reason, I might still be willing to take the plunge. Again, it is complicated.

I always wanted to be a mother. I loved babysitting growing up and was good at it. Kids loved me and I loved them. I knew early on that being a mother was going to be one of the most important things in my life. Today, I love my boys more than anything in this world. And more and more I am realizing that in order to be the kind of mother I want to be for them, I need to prioritize life and the things that fill it. It is a hard pill to swallow, but being a mother is WAY harder for me than I ever imagined. I thought it would come so naturally. And in many ways it does. But, it is also the hardest, most taxing and exhausting thing I have ever done. Motherhood has made me question my character and examine all my personality flaws. Extreme fatigue does not bring out a pretty side of me and neither does constant whining. But with my two boys being 3yrs. and 16months, every day brings us closer to a day when I can reason with them and hopefully manage the days with less yelling and whining. I love being a mother and I love being pregnant. But, I am convinced that I will be able to be a better mother to my boys if I do not add another baby to the mix. I am just starting to get consistent rest and be able to focus a little more on my career. That feels good. And I have an endless list of fun ideas and crafts and learning projects I want to do with my boys. The mother I want to be, the mother I picture myself as, is one that has time to do creative things and take my kids on fun adventures and deal with each situation or tantrum with loving calmness. I want to be intentional in how I raise them, thinking through each parenting decision and able to put nutritious, well-rounded meals on the table. I want to nurture my boys but also my nursing career that worked so hard for. I want to be entrepreneurial and have the resources to give my family all we could hope or dream of. I can do all these things. I am getting there. But add in another baby and I am not so sure. I am not willing to delay being a good mom to these two boys in order to experience the miracle of pregnancy again. As much as I think I want to be pregnant again, I don’t think it is the right thing for me or my boys.
Maybe these aren’t good reasons to not have any more children. Children are so awesome and such a blessing. I didn’t think I wanted anymore after my 3yr old and now I can’t imagine life without my littlest guy. I would feel the same about any other children God blessed me with for sure. And yet, maybe they are the best reasons. Either way, they are my reasons… for now at least. I am sure all my pregnant friends are more capable of holding it all together than I am. Or the desire to have a large(r) family makes them more willing to put other things on hold for now. Having lived through the loss of my first son and the roller coaster of motherhood thus far, I am ready for life to level out a bit and give me the opportunity to be the mom I always pictured myself being. With just these two kids. No more.

So…all my friends are all having more children. I am not. And that makes me a little sad but yet I know it is right for me.

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