Holiday Wrangling

Posted at 5:30 am on October 21, 2009 by Elizabeth

Falling leaves and falling temperatures signal, among several thing, the start of school, pumpkin bread season, and … holiday wrangling.

I have always loved holidays. As a child I would make a paper chain as a count-down that would start like 50 days in advance of the anticipated day. Now as an adult, a wife, and a mother I still anticipate holidays with the same joy- but also-a huge amount of stress.   As my husband and I are both from larger families who all have traditions and who are all expecting to see all of us and would all be offended if we did not choose to spend the day with them, we have had some interesting times navigating the quagmire that can be observing and respecting each family and their traditions while somehow paving the way for our own (not so) little family.  It gets especially complicated as my family happens to have birthdays surrounding the major winter holidays and my fireman husband has a rotating schedule that dictates his availability.  Added to the already crazy mess, is the fact that my parents live 200 miles away.
I have to give my parents a ton of credit because never once did I pick up on resentment from anyone regarding holidays as a child.  Either they were really good at hiding it, there actually wasn’t any problems, they had been down that road enough that all the resentment had melted away, or I was too wrapped up in being a kid to notice.  Whatever it was, I got to enjoy holidays for just themselves.  And this is a gift I would love to be able to give my children.

The usual paths of least resistance are kind of blocked for us.  The typical solution of alternating years is not really an option for us. There are years that my husband  works the holiday and I am not comfortable going to his family’s celebration without him.  We  also cannot simply add up the number of places we are expected to be and divide our time equally (spending the weeks traveling) because a) I am not that great at long division and b) traveling with kids and dogs for that amount of time is a bit nuts.  So we choose option c): Chef’s surprise!
We sometimes start discussing plans for Thanksgiving in June.  We need to get things laid out ahead of time so everyone has a chance to adjust.  There are traditions on either sides of the family that “make” the holiday for us and we really try to keep those while still trying to make our time “our time.”
This has not been an easy task.  There have been hurt feelings on all sides as well as resentment.  There has been more frustration that it is worth at times.  My husband is the oldest child so he had to pave the way, “cutting the strings” from his family.  They did not like the idea that he would be going to another family (my family) occasionally.  Typically, in his family, the new spouses were assimilated and they just went along with the established traditions.  Imagine their shock when I walk in and adamantly refuse to acquiesce to their demands and have a few demands of my own.   There have been some tense times.
One year we tried something new- a Christmas Brunch.  I had never attempted one of these before- it was not my family’s thing.  But we worked it out and it actually went well!!  People came over and they actually left at a decent time.  There was enough food that everyone could eat and people had a great time.  We will definitely do that again- even though it royally annoyed some people that we were “changing” things.  We simply stood our ground and said “this is what we are doing you are welcome to join us- if not- we’ll catch up soon!.”

The interesting thing is- it is all worth it.! The grating potatoes for latkes, the familial negotiations, the stress- all of it- because when it comes down to it- we are a family, a large one, but a family none the less.  My children are learning to love and embrace all sorts of traditions, our families are learning that even if they do not see us every holiday the sun will continue to rise and set.  And I am learning that there is more than one way to do things.  Most of all I am re-learning to love the holidays through my children and their experiences of them.

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